Hope, to believe in something, that is worth striving for, to have an aim, an inner force that gives motivation to continue. To aspire to be like a distant impression. To achieve inspiration from the mere thought of that notion. And to believe that it is achievable, within reach. That you are deserving of it.
By the crashing waves tumbling over me, I cant breathe nor see, I cant feel anything but the wet coldness, beneath me, rising around me, overtaking me. The formerly calm waters now a horrid rush of madness. Of confusion that will not give way to the once serene waters, to the recollection of the once tranquil mind of intellect.
To be amazed at finding the essential, that makes you comprehensive, the yearning no longer present, its desertion appreciated, quenched, the craving fulfilled. The satisfaction that was aspired, that felt so beyond my reach, now within grasp. But the ultimate plunge is required, am I willing or would I rather to exist eternally on the brink of this happiness, I fear I am accustomed to the suspense, with the desire of staying at this edge, uncertain to go beyond the threshold, dread that what was so sugar coated may turn out hollow, unfulfilling, that I may fall into a dark depression. Emptiness may be what awaits. The false notion of contentment deceivingly leading into a void.
Trust, to believe in another. To allow them to fulfill your expectations. To rid yourself of the responsibility, to justify your actions, or lack of. Reliance is easier than independence, liberated from worrisome decisions, to free your mind from being swamped down. To feel the ecstasy of not your actions, not your decisions.
8/9/2006
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